Dog saliva as medicine for…..’growling’? Homeopathy – the perfect script for a Black Comedy.

Dog saliva as medicine for…..’growling’? Homeopathy – the perfect script for a Black Comedy.

Let’s face it. Homeopaths have an excellent sense of humour and thumbs-up for their superb acting abilities. Because of their truly unique skills-set, some people have suggested that they are not really acting at all, but that they are visitors from a parallel universe. Be as it may, there is something amiss, because very few people from our universe would be able to keep a straight face while explaining to a patient that taking homeopathic dog shit will help against their ‘self-disgust’. Or that a remedy made from condoms will ease their feelings ‘of being restricted’ (cure claustrophobia). Recently there was even a Canadian homeopath, ‘Dr’ Anke Zimmermann, who prescribed dog saliva to a child that growled (behavioural problems). They are a funny bunch, and clearly, they have a thing for dogs, so I just don’t know, I have to go with the parallel universe theorem.

Alternative zoo
A typical zoo in the parallel universe of homeopaths

The list of their weird remedies just goes on and on – it is just out of this world. How about homeopathic remedies made from a Black hole (yes, homeopaths have visited), English sun (apparently the sun actually shines in their England), water diluted in, yes, water or…… here are some weeeeeird things they prescribe as ‘medicine’. This by itself should be enough for Hollywood to at least investigate the possibility of producing a comedy. It would however be best to cast real homeopaths (how about it ‘Dr’ Zimmerman?) because I don’t think any human being will be able to play the part. But then again, maybe Gwyneth Paltrow? or if the producers wants a documentary style comedy, maybe HRH Prince of Wales (but are we sure that they are from our universe?)

Fringe Series 2 Episode 1 - A new Day In An Old Town
Homeopaths also have a thing for cows. Here we witness the celebration after the first successful production of the homeopathic remedy ‘Excrementum vaccinum’. (English: cow dung)

What is homeopathy? Well, it is a hoax that’s been around for about 200 years. You dilute any substance you can think of into oblivion, including imaginary substances, and then you sell it as medicine – simple, (in)effective and highly profitable. Hundreds of years ago the healthcare system was pretty much non-existent and patients admitted to ‘hospital’ were more likely to die than patients who stayed at home. The reason for this? Healthcare was so terrible that your body had to fight the disease as well as the healthcare system, so it was far less risky to just stay at home.

Bloodletting, as a cure all, comes to mind (cause of death of the former American president George Washington) but also the eye watering tendency to drill holes in peoples’ skulls (trepanation) to cure whatever. As the theory goes the possibility exist that during one of these drilling exercises a patient, screaming in anguish, hit the exact note and volume that it ribbed a hole in the fabric that separates our universes. This is seen as day zero when homeopaths entered our universe and started with the practice of giving patients, zero, as medicine. This is also the likely reason why we can buy homeopathic remedies made from various musical notes (day zero is still celebrated in April each year during Homeopathy Awareness Week.)

Because homeopathic remedies contain zero, a sick person only had to fight the disease. Add to this the well-known placebo effect and it is understandable that people actually thought that it was effective. So, at the time the results were good – no, not really, one should rather say the results of ‘conventional healthcare’ was terrible, but nevertheless, this counterintuitive notion gave these visitors a foot in the door.

homeopathic bicycle
A homeopath illustrating how cycling works in their universe.

Now we are 200 years later. The disease model (disease caused by bacteria, viruses, mutations, ect.) antibiotics and other life-saving medicines and surgical interventions have been developed and is continuously being improved. Science has made huge progress and although not perfect, modern healthcare has brought us tremendous benefits whilst homeopathy is still zero – there has been absolutely no progress whatsoever.

But now for the black part of this comedy. The reason why homeopaths are here is unclear. Some suggest that the portal is only one-way and they simply cannot get back while others have proposed that they have a far more sinister agenda. They were send here to destroy our universe. If you think about it, what is the most powerful weapon out there? It’s not a nuke, it is confusion, and spreading confusion is the one thing that homeopaths excel at. For example: in our universe we have a thing called ‘dose-response curve’ – which in plain language means that a bigger quantity of a specific substance will have a bigger biological effect, up to a point where you overdose and die. But they advocate the exact opposite – the smaller the quantity the bigger the effect. It’s like saying the less money I have the richer I am.

cooking
Some suggest that homeopaths are here because cooking is apparently quite difficult in their universe

This implies that the more you dilute a substance the bigger the chance that you might overdose and die, something that has actually been tested when hundreds of people deliberately ‘overdosed’ in protest against politicians and regulators. No biological effect was observed and the call was made to ban these imposters and their ridiculous remedies. But homeopaths are on a mission and they have steadily infiltrated the political elite and the regulators since their arrival 200 years ago.

It is quite easy to see which politicians are from the other side. Politicians saying one thing and doing the exact opposite is in all likelihood from over there. Regulators claiming that they are here to protect the public against fake medicine and then allow these fake medicines to be sold unchecked, have also been infiltrated and are aiding homeopaths to achieve their mission objectives.

Boris
Politicians from the other side are sometimes quite easy to spot.

The results of their mission thus far are that more and more people are turning their backs on evidence-based healthcare (of great concern is the growing number of anti-vaxxers) even though many people got hurt and unfortunately many died – and this is the very black part of this comedy. Politicians and regulators seemingly does not give a hoot and finds it okay when adults die at the hands of homeopaths. But sometimes they do act, but only sometimes, and then only when children got hurt or died.

To test and see if they have also infiltrated our bastions of knowledge a.k.a. universities, I popped an email to the Department of Homeopathy, University of Johannesburg. In theory they should be studying why people from our universe continue to fall for homeopathy and they should advise against using it. So, I asked them for some advice about what to give my 7yo son before we enter a malaria region. The answer from UJ, who also runs a Homeopathic clinic for orphans in Soweto, was that I can buy a remedy at a local pharmacy that contains – nothing! Well, to be honest, I first had to translate because sometimes they still speak in their Alien language. So here are their exact ‘words’:

“Arnica montana D30 Arsenicum alb 6ch, 12ch Cinchona off 6ch, 12ch Eupatorium perf 6ch, 30ch Chininum ars 12ch, 30ch Ferrum met 12ch Malaria off 30ch Ledum palustre 30ch”

Some English in there but for the rest gibberish. Fully translated it simply means ‘nothing’. So clearly UJ has been infiltrated (they also have a chiropractic department).

Another university is Western Sydney University and specifically the National Institute of Complementary Medicine (NICM). I have long known that most people working at the NICM are from somewhere else – they are not from our world (because of their weirdness they’ve won the Bent Spoon award in 2017). But what was quite surprising was that they have actually taken over the whole management of the University. Highlighting the issues at the NICM was met with a ‘we could not care less’ attitude. They even promoted the NICM to become a fully-fledged ‘health institute’ from where they are continuing to spread confusion into the world. They have even managed to infiltrate the World Health Organisation who now recommends homeopathy to be integrated with conventional medicine.

So, there we have it. Homeopaths are everywhere and they have no plans to go back to where they came from. We are stuck with some very funny homeopaths and their hilarious ‘remedies’, but at the same time, also the tragedies that plays out in many homes across the globe. For me a very good script for a black comedy, but I am afraid that stopping this madness will be as difficult as finding a portal and sending these quacks back to their universe.

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