Dog saliva as medicine for…..’growling’? Homeopathy – the perfect script for a Black Comedy.

Dog saliva as medicine for…..’growling’? Homeopathy – the perfect script for a Black Comedy.

Let’s face it. Homeopaths have an excellent sense of humour and thumbs-up for their superb acting abilities. Because of their truly unique skills-set, some people have suggested that they are not really acting at all, but that they are visitors from a parallel universe. Be as it may, there is something amiss, because very few people from our universe would be able to keep a straight face while explaining to a patient that taking homeopathic dog shit will help against their ‘self-disgust’. Or that a remedy made from condoms will ease their feelings ‘of being restricted’ (cure claustrophobia). Recently there was even a Canadian homeopath, ‘Dr’ Anke Zimmermann, who prescribed dog saliva to a child that growled (behavioural problems). They are a funny bunch, and clearly, they have a thing for dogs, so I just don’t know, I have to go with the parallel universe theorem.

Alternative zoo
A typical zoo in the parallel universe of homeopaths

The list of their weird remedies just goes on and on – it is just out of this world. How about homeopathic remedies made from a Black hole (yes, homeopaths have visited), English sun (apparently the sun actually shines in their England), water diluted in, yes, water or…… here are some weeeeeird things they prescribe as ‘medicine’. This by itself should be enough for Hollywood to at least investigate the possibility of producing a comedy. It would however be best to cast real homeopaths (how about it ‘Dr’ Zimmerman?) because I don’t think any human being will be able to play the part. But then again, maybe Gwyneth Paltrow? or if the producers wants a documentary style comedy, maybe HRH Prince of Wales (but are we sure that they are from our universe?)

Fringe Series 2 Episode 1 - A new Day In An Old Town
Homeopaths also have a thing for cows. Here we witness the celebration after the first successful production of the homeopathic remedy ‘Excrementum vaccinum’. (English: cow dung)

What is homeopathy? Well, it is a hoax that’s been around for about 200 years. You dilute any substance you can think of into oblivion, including imaginary substances, and then you sell it as medicine – simple, (in)effective and highly profitable. Hundreds of years ago the healthcare system was pretty much non-existent and patients admitted to ‘hospital’ were more likely to die than patients who stayed at home. The reason for this? Healthcare was so terrible that your body had to fight the disease as well as the healthcare system, so it was far less risky to just stay at home.

Bloodletting, as a cure all, comes to mind (cause of death of the former American president George Washington) but also the eye watering tendency to drill holes in peoples’ skulls (trepanation) to cure whatever. As the theory goes the possibility exist that during one of these drilling exercises a patient, screaming in anguish, hit the exact note and volume that it ribbed a hole in the fabric that separates our universes. This is seen as day zero when homeopaths entered our universe and started with the practice of giving patients, zero, as medicine. This is also the likely reason why we can buy homeopathic remedies made from various musical notes (day zero is still celebrated in April each year during Homeopathy Awareness Week.)

Because homeopathic remedies contain zero, a sick person only had to fight the disease. Add to this the well-known placebo effect and it is understandable that people actually thought that it was effective. So, at the time the results were good – no, not really, one should rather say the results of ‘conventional healthcare’ was terrible, but nevertheless, this counterintuitive notion gave these visitors a foot in the door.

homeopathic bicycle
A homeopath illustrating how cycling works in their universe.

Now we are 200 years later. The disease model (disease caused by bacteria, viruses, mutations, ect.) antibiotics and other life-saving medicines and surgical interventions have been developed and is continuously being improved. Science has made huge progress and although not perfect, modern healthcare has brought us tremendous benefits whilst homeopathy is still zero – there has been absolutely no progress whatsoever.

But now for the black part of this comedy. The reason why homeopaths are here is unclear. Some suggest that the portal is only one-way and they simply cannot get back while others have proposed that they have a far more sinister agenda. They were send here to destroy our universe. If you think about it, what is the most powerful weapon out there? It’s not a nuke, it is confusion, and spreading confusion is the one thing that homeopaths excel at. For example: in our universe we have a thing called ‘dose-response curve’ – which in plain language means that a bigger quantity of a specific substance will have a bigger biological effect, up to a point where you overdose and die. But they advocate the exact opposite – the smaller the quantity the bigger the effect. It’s like saying the less money I have the richer I am.

cooking
Some suggest that homeopaths are here because cooking is apparently quite difficult in their universe

This implies that the more you dilute a substance the bigger the chance that you might overdose and die, something that has actually been tested when hundreds of people deliberately ‘overdosed’ in protest against politicians and regulators. No biological effect was observed and the call was made to ban these imposters and their ridiculous remedies. But homeopaths are on a mission and they have steadily infiltrated the political elite and the regulators since their arrival 200 years ago.

It is quite easy to see which politicians are from the other side. Politicians saying one thing and doing the exact opposite is in all likelihood from over there. Regulators claiming that they are here to protect the public against fake medicine and then allow these fake medicines to be sold unchecked, have also been infiltrated and are aiding homeopaths to achieve their mission objectives.

Boris
Politicians from the other side are sometimes quite easy to spot.

The results of their mission thus far are that more and more people are turning their backs on evidence-based healthcare (of great concern is the growing number of anti-vaxxers) even though many people got hurt and unfortunately many died – and this is the very black part of this comedy. Politicians and regulators seemingly does not give a hoot and finds it okay when adults die at the hands of homeopaths. But sometimes they do act, but only sometimes, and then only when children got hurt or died.

To test and see if they have also infiltrated our bastions of knowledge a.k.a. universities, I popped an email to the Department of Homeopathy, University of Johannesburg. In theory they should be studying why people from our universe continue to fall for homeopathy and they should advise against using it. So, I asked them for some advice about what to give my 7yo son before we enter a malaria region. The answer from UJ, who also runs a Homeopathic clinic for orphans in Soweto, was that I can buy a remedy at a local pharmacy that contains – nothing! Well, to be honest, I first had to translate because sometimes they still speak in their Alien language. So here are their exact ‘words’:

“Arnica montana D30 Arsenicum alb 6ch, 12ch Cinchona off 6ch, 12ch Eupatorium perf 6ch, 30ch Chininum ars 12ch, 30ch Ferrum met 12ch Malaria off 30ch Ledum palustre 30ch”

Some English in there but for the rest gibberish. Fully translated it simply means ‘nothing’. So clearly UJ has been infiltrated (they also have a chiropractic department).

Another university is Western Sydney University and specifically the National Institute of Complementary Medicine (NICM). I have long known that most people working at the NICM are from somewhere else – they are not from our world (because of their weirdness they’ve won the Bent Spoon award in 2017). But what was quite surprising was that they have actually taken over the whole management of the University. Highlighting the issues at the NICM was met with a ‘we could not care less’ attitude. They even promoted the NICM to become a fully-fledged ‘health institute’ from where they are continuing to spread confusion into the world. They have even managed to infiltrate the World Health Organisation who now recommends homeopathy to be integrated with conventional medicine.

So, there we have it. Homeopaths are everywhere and they have no plans to go back to where they came from. We are stuck with some very funny homeopaths and their hilarious ‘remedies’, but at the same time, also the tragedies that plays out in many homes across the globe. For me a very good script for a black comedy, but I am afraid that stopping this madness will be as difficult as finding a portal and sending these quacks back to their universe.

Ten ridiculous, super-gross and weird homeopathic remedies.

Ten ridiculous, super-gross and weird homeopathic remedies.

To get into the spirit of silly season, why don’t we have a look at the silliest of man’s creations – homeopathy.  So, here goes, enjoy!

A homeopath will take a substance (or an imaginary substance), go into a state of delirium during a process called ‘proving’, dilute the (imaginary) substance into oblivion and then sell it as a remedy to the public – and regulators are happy for them to do so. During the proving stage, they document their ‘symptoms’ which then magically becomes the ‘indications’ listed on the remedy, according to their ‘like-cures-like’ principle. What usually cracks me up is the starting ‘substances’ that they use, what homeopaths claim their remedies work for, and the fact that homeopaths can keep a straight face while explaining or writing about their remedies (read any ‘proving’ document).

Prince Charles
A big fan of homeopathy trying to steal a child’s bubbles because he ran out of Fairy Liquid (dish-washing soap) – yes, they make homeopathic remedies from anything

Due to the immense number and diversity of remedies out there, I’ve decided to create three categories. 1. Ridiculous – the starting material or ‘substance’ is nothing which they then dilute into oblivion; 2. Super-gross – substances where you desperately hope that they did indeed dilute everything into oblivion; 3. Weird – you just cannot understand how homeopaths can think of such stuff (there is a huge number of remedies in this category).

For some of the remedies I’ve copied parts of their ‘provings’ (unedited) so that people who do not understand the stupidity of it all, get a glimpse of what’s going on in the deluded (diluted) minds of homeopaths.  So here is the list (thanks for the many suggestions via Twitter.)

1. Black HoleCygnus X-1

“The remedy was prepared by Rowan Jackson and astronomer, Peter Lipscomb, using an 8″ telescope, Meade LX90 aperture telescope. A vial of alcohol was affixed to the viewing end as the telescope was focused on Cygnus X-1’s location within the Cygnus constellation.  Twenty provers took the remedy administered in 30C potencies.”

Uses:This remedy seems to have a global effect on the body. If you were tracing the sensation under a physical symptom you might expect it to lead to a pulling in or drawing inward, constriction sensation. Headaches are felt as constricting, as if a band or a vise or as if will burst. Heart and chest symptoms are felt as constricting and tightening. Even the extremities can feel tight and constricting. Provers felt their teeth were “drawing inward.” With the drawing in sensation, they would often feel that there was a stone or lump inside (this spot of denseness within their body). Provers had the sensation of a lump or stone in their stomach or abdomen. They could also feel as if there were a “sinking” sensation inside. Often they would explain the sensation as heaviness.”

2. Vacuum

vacuum
I had a dream…. of being vacuumed. A homeopath dreaming about vacuums

“I had a dream, as usual, and this guy who comes into my dreams, turns up and says, “Nuala, are you aware that vacuum is the space between heaven and earth? Prove Vacuum!” So I woke up and said, “Yeah, right. How?” I thought about it for a number of months and he came back to me in a dream and said, “This is very simple. What you want to do is get a bottle and put some alcohol in it, then vacuum the bottle, and you will get the effect of vacuum on the alcohol.” He has said that type of thing to me before in dreams, like that remedies are the effect of something on alcohol. “

Uses: “I know that a lot of people died in Britain as a result of that flu. So I started giving Vacuum for it and straight away it worked.”

3. Imaginary substances (hard to come by or extremely dangerous substances, such as Plutonium/Uranium, and apparently also ‘Unicorn’)

unicorns
Photographic evidence that Unicorns do exist

Bearing in mind Crotalus cascavella’s themes of vengeance and desire to kill with a knife, I asked him: “Did you feel like avenging yourself from your wife’s first fling? Would you feel a sense of release if you knifed him in the back? His words immediately evoke in me the theme of the light in Plutonium: he has lost his inner light and refuses the light emanating from others, from outside. Plutonium desires transcendence for itself and for the external world through self-illumination; it wants to be a powerful light which brings order to chaos through its own vibration.”

Uses: hatred, violence, nastiness, godlike, loss of inner light, drugs

4. Dog shit ( ‘Excrementum caninum’ not to be confused with ‘excrementum vaccinium’ a.k.a. bullshit)

Dog shit
A Homeopath’s dog trained to collect important homeopathic ‘substances’. Homeopaths finds this disgusting, hence the dog, but okay to give to the unsuspecting public.

Uses: self-disgust; domination and extreme abuse; suppression of anger with hatred; low self-esteem with dependency; In this remedy, there are dreams/thoughts of excrements and toilets, in contrast to Lac caninum and Lyssinum. Mind; dreams; excrements/dog’s excrements/ toilet; sitting on/ vomiting; excrements; Ailments from sexual abuse and rape, Delusion or image that body parts/ arms/ legs are smaller, and shortened; Dreams of dogs/ cats, felines

5. Condoms (Latex Condom) – New or used? I guess both, because homeopaths really care about the environment; “Rubber is a disposable substance that we use and throw away but it does not just go away. It persists as mountains of burning tyres or as condoms washed up on polluted beaches.”

Uses: feelings of being restricted/claustrophobic; separation/disconnected from people, difficulties with communication, disconnected from feelings etc.

6. Intestinal secretion of a sperm whale (Ambra grisea). It is unknown if homeopaths only use sperm whales who died after ingesting copious quantities of used condoms – see above (homeopaths will then call this a ‘combination remedy’) or if they hunt the poor whales themselves.

Sperm whale
A Homeopath collection a decaying sperm whale’s intestinal fluids and any ingested used condoms

Uses: Its most well-known keynote is mortification from needing to use a public bathroom due to painful shyness. There is an out-of-proportion timidity about being in the presence of strangers or in social situations. It is said that these individuals often experience premature aging, may be globally anxious, and have a propensity for coughs.

7. Syphilis (Leuticum)

Uses: No sooner does night come on than I am a prey to such dreadfully sinful desires that drive me mad (in a woman). And: Weakness or loss of memory, esp. for names; feels as if going insane; terrible dread of the night season owing to aggravation of all symptoms then; despairs of recovery.

8. Berlin Wall (Murus Berlinensis)

Uses: Feeling of being forsaken and separation, huge despair. Oppression (political, family, abuse-sexual, religious, being bullied) and perceiving yourself as victim. Depression, sense of blackness, total isolation, aloneness, despair. Panic, need to escape but can’t. TERROR.

BerlinWall David hasselhoff
I never knew! A famous homeopath, known in Germany as ‘The Hoff’, collecting pieces of the Berlin Wall for the treatment of depression. That it works, is evidenced by The Hoff’s happy (or non-depressed) appearance.

 

9. South Pole of a Magnet. (Magnetis polus australis – attenuations of media saturated with emanations of the pole.)

Uses: Cough. Dislocation, easy. Frost-bite. Heat, palpitation of. Hernia. Ingrowing toe-nails.  Levitation. Menorrhagia. Varicosis.

10. The note ‘F’ (homeopathic sound remedy Note F in 6X potency) and the colour Blue (or red or whatever colour you feel ‘attracted’ to)

Uses of musical notes; A general diuretic; good for edematous tissues, especially suited for pulmonary and cardiac edema; cardiac regulator and tonic, detoxifier, calmative and tranquilizer. Good for distress, feelings of inner conflict, avoidance of change, and a weakened spirit.

Uses of the colour Blue: A catarrhal remedy, good for sore throats and tired speaking voices; a stimulant to the thyroid and parathyroid; good for substance abuse cases where the patient wants to stop smoking, drinking, or overeating; good for neck and shoulder pain. Good for lack of creative expression, lack of willpower to complete tasks, integrity issues, malicious gossipers, liars, and timid, shy communicators.

Some comments

It is actually impossible to come up with a Top Ten because there are way too many crazy homeopathic remedies out there, such as; dolphin song, radionics, hoover dust, light of Venus (or the moon), pig’s milk (or dolphin’s milk), X-rays, English sun, water (called new water) ‘unicorn’ (“apparently they sit round a vial of water thinking about unicorns to infuse the unicorn energy” – I couldn’t find any references for this one) etc. Therefore, it might be a good idea to prepare an “annual top ten”- listing only remedies that was invented in that given year.

homeopathy explaned

Although these lists are meant to be funny, it does serve the important purpose of creating public awareness. The other side of the coin is that people do get hurt and even die because of homeopathy. Most fatalities are due to neglecting serious medical conditions, but many deaths have also been directly attributed to homeopathic remedies. Homeopaths do use highly toxic substances (arsenic, deadly nightshade etc.) and if they screw up their dilutions, people die – as was tragically shown with the death of 10 infants recently.

It remains to be such a pity that so many politicians, regulators (such as the TGA in Australia – 100% funded by industry incl. homeopaths) and some universities (notably WSU and UJ) simply look the other way, allow homeopaths to continue to mislead the public or even promote homeopathy. The simple reason for this is vested interests, which usually means – money.

How to make Homeopathic medicine at home – a step by step guide!

How to make Homeopathic medicine at home – a step by step guide!

Homeopathy is a form of “holistic” medicine, which is effective and safe because it is all natural. It is used to treat the whole body, mind and soul.  It is thus an extremely important part of healthcare and should be promoted to all people. The World Health Organisation (WHO) is even asking for the integration of homeopathy with real medicine in their “Traditional Medicine Strategy 2014-2023″,  a hefty report compiled by the well known Naturopath, Michael Smith (who is also an adjunct at the world famous National  Institute of Complementary Medicine).

But instead of buying homeopathic medicine at your local pharmacy, you might be surprised to know that it’s actually quite easy to make yourself in the comfort of your own home. Here is a step by step guide:

  1. Make a cup of tea (the type of tea leaves depends on the disease that you want to treat, but then again, it doesn’t really matter)
  2. Pour the tea into a clean empty 2 L container
  3. Fill the container with water up to the 2 L mark
  4. Shake the container or alternatively hit the container ten times on your hand (you are now potentiating your medicine a.k.a succusing)
  5. Depending on the required strength of your medicine, empty 90, 99 or 100% of the solution into the sink. If you choose 90 % you can put a D (in the US an X) on your container, if 99% a C, and 100% a KD or KC
  6. Again fill your container up to the 2 L mark with water
  7. Shake the container or hit it on your hand 10 times as in step 4
  8. Again empty the chosen volume into the sink
  9. Repeat steps 3-5 for another 10-200 times and remember the more times you repeat these steps, the stronger the medicine will become

Congratulations you now have a homeopathic medicine. If you have chosen to empty only 90% of the contents into the sink and you repeated the dilution steps 30 times, then you have a 30D medicine. If you have chosen to empty 99% and repeated the dilutions 30 times you have a 30C (a much stronger) medicine. If you have emptied 100% of your contents into the sink and refilled (with water only), shook and emptied it 30 more times then you have used the “Korsakovian” method, and you can put a 30KD or 30KC on your container. To make your medicine look even nicer stick a picture of a plant, maybe a tea leave, on your container. This is now an all natural medicine capable of treating just about anything you can imagine.

If you want to sell your medicine you can also make use of different starting materials in order to ask different prices for your range of elite products. You can prepare a tea from any plant or animal matter or even use something like urine, blood, pus etc., or you can go to the extreme and capture sunlight or X-rays in your medicine. But why stop here; how about a piece of the Berlin Wall? Or how about ‘capturing the light or energy’ from a Black Hole via a telescope into your homeopathic medicine?

If you have prepared a medicine for malaria, you can now confidently give your children a few drops of your medicine and be resolute in the fact that they will be fully protected against malaria.

Homeopathy is based on the principle of “like cures like” and thus it makes sense that a small piece of the Berlin wall, which made people depressed, can be diluted into oblivion resulting in a homeopathic medicine for, you guessed it, depression! You just need to come up with a good story, backed up by a host of made up emotional testimonials, and of you go, you can start your own ‘medical practice’.

Crazy right?  Unfortunately not! This is the world of homeopathy in a nutshell. But it doesn’t stop here. It is even crazier and out of this world that the National Institute of Complementary Medicine and Western Sydney University, Australia support and defend this practice, while they know that people are getting hurt or even die as a consequence. Unfortunately they are not the only university supporting homeopathy and other quackery. For example; the department of homeopathy, University of Johannesburg, quite recently recommended a homeopathic malaria prophylaxis for my 7yo son!

But just to be on the safe side – please do not make your own homeopathic medicine, it doesn’t work for anything – it is an elaborate hoax!!

What can you do about all of this?

The bureaucracy involved is extremely complex, so the best thing to do is to stop using their products and treatments – e.g. prevention. Inform yourself and your family and friends about how these people play their devious game and what the dangers are regarding these ‘treatments’. ‘Friends of Science in Medicine’ provides valuable healthcare information as well as the website of Prof Edzard Ernst, where he discusses everything complementary medicine (what works and what doesn’t). If you are interested in receiving automatic updates regarding the NICM and what they are up to, you can always follow my Blog,  Twitter or connect on LinkedIn.